life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
