First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
