oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
