Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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