They should really pass out barf bags in church
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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