i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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