mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
two words...techno handjob
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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