I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
i think my cat just said my name.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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