Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
You brought string cheese to the strip club
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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