How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
We don't watch enough power rangers
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Randomize
