He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
