youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
