We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I just blew my weed a kiss
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
