It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Randomize
