You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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