I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
