I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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