Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
