If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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