I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
