Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
