i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
