I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
