One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Randomize
