I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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