I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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