I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
