Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
ttyl tear gas
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
