My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
