You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
it glows. i had to have it.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
