My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
He did a backflip because drugs
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