I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
