The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
