if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Randomize
