dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
