I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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