The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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