I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
