My liver just broke up with me...
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
