May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
