I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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