so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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