My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
