Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
