If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
