would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
