I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
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