my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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