At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
