That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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