Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Sober January is a disaster.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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