overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
